WWW.TodayWeWed.com

Step Children - Bonus Kids or Bust

There is no doubt; the model of the family has changed; from same sex couples who either comes the marriage with children, adopt children, or the straight couples who also come to the new marriage with children from one or more previous marriages. Many factors determine if the new unified family will be successful. In addition, one should  consider how the biological parent will influence the new marriage and the relationship the children have with that parent. There is also a reality that suggests that culture, ethnicity, and socioeconomic conditions play into the situation as well. Obviously uniting a family is not an easy task. This writing should prove informative in realizing the commitment and environment necessary to reach happiness and a true sense of family.

When the children are young: the transition is normally much easier for the non-biological parent. In most instances, if this person has children and is the same age range as the wife, the children are often around the same age. The children, if given the opportunity to spend enough time with one another will assimilate and if the children are young enough, there will be a point in the future that even though they are step siblings there will be no way to tell the children are such. In addition, for the new mom or dad, a young child also presents the same opportunity of creating a true sense of family over time. However, to be fare, for a parent entering the marriage who has not had a child prior to the union, there are many more challenges that both the new parent and the children(s) mother will have to navigate through. With this said, there are critical conversations and agreements that have to occur before moving forward with the marriage (or the relationship for that matter). At the forefront is discipline, at what level are you the child’s step dad or mom or simply the mother’s husband. It is common that simply out of guilt that the original family split, that the kid’s parent allows a great deal to slide and when the new parent comes into the relationship with the parental skills obtained through experience, or none at all, discipline is always an issue. Therefore, if the stepparent does not have the right to deliver acceptable discipline, he or she had better run for the hills because in any instance where there is an issue with the child’s behavior and the stepparent has been rendered powerless, it could very well be this issue that will fracture the relationship and/or marriage over time. It is also important to note, that when I state a "reasonable level discipline" I mean equal to what the biological parent would render that would yield a result of ownership for the poor behavior. If there is no discipline and rules are non-existent, I am sorry to say, this will cause huge issues as well as atrocity felt by the new parent. This is one of the most critical issues that cannot be avoided and must be addressed as the couple moves from dating to marriage.

Teens: Sorry to say, this is a toughie, adolescents and young adulthood often finds the child trying to navigate through an array of physical and emotional challenges. If the biological parents was hands-on, interactive, and has built a nice relationship with the child, the new parent should transition well into the family unit. In contrast, if the teen is beginning to go astray, is defiant, rude, and has been enabled by one or both of the biological parents expect some interesting challenges ahead. I often wondered if it would be better if the child was abandoned by the removed biological parent if it would it be a better situation for the step parent - the answer is maybe however; there is a line of thought that when a child knows the biological parent has little to no interest, the emotional damage is often significant. With this said, there is opportunity in such despair in that the new parent can work hard at building a relationship that will all but replace the missing parent. In addition, where the biological parent is in the picture, a working relationship should be fostered between the biological parent and the stepparent. It does not have to be a loving relationship but one where both respect each other and are committed to the best interests of the child. Once again, it is critical that the stepparent is allowed to be part of the accountability process because when teens screw up, immediate action and damage control has to take place. In some states, the law will hold children accountable for their actions as young as 16 years of age. On a positive note, based on today’s economics, stepparents contribute to the household and if the stepparent is the right person, he or she contributes not only to the infrastructure of the home, but the expenses associated with the stepchildren as well. My advice would be, in the absence of a trust by the biological parent, if you were marrying a person that will be in the home full time with the children and will not contribute to all of the expenses of the home (meaning the children) you maybe marrying the wrong person. Furthermore, in wanting to leave this section on a positive note, there are many teen-stepparent relationships that are as deep and loving as those experienced when strong relationships exists between biological children and parents. Enter this union with the goal of not attempting to replace the parent but in building a unique relationship that will grow into something special over time.

Adult children: Some will argue that the best-case scenario in that one often finds the children grown up and on their life’s journey however; this is not always the case. Adult children that have a strong relationship with their parents will often be skeptical of the parent’s new partner and it is a matter of time before trust is built and with a little luck, the kids will work past the trust issues and support the relationship. However, as important as the children’s voice is, in the end, the children must also be empathetic of the parent’s desire to have companionship - few want to grow old alone. Another interesting thought that is worth pondering is what the new partner brings to the relationship that will benefit the children. Where a young family grows together and learns, relationships that bring middle age people together is one that finds a life of experience as well. Unless the couple is well into their 60’s, and the children are much older, the 45-59 demographic finds most adults well-established into their careers, have a great deal to share, thereby presenting a unique opportunity that that finds the new parent sharing his or her network that could be of benefit the careers and families of the children. With this said, there are also other considerations that have to be examined. For example, what if the middle-aged couple still has one or more children at home? In the absence of an illness or disorder that requires the parent to look after the adult child, it may be time for the kids to move out and begin their life’s journey. Couples, no matter what age need the early months of the marriage to enjoy being together, to adjust, to be a couple. Granted, life sometimes gets in the way and there are intestines where the adult children wake up one day unemployed, separated from their spouses, or any reason that finds the child short on the resources needed to stay independent must always know that there is a place in the parent’s home - after all, we are parents, that is what we do. One must also consider a child that is handicapped and need ongoing support. This is an important point because the new husband or wife in such a relationship must be of good moral fiber in that in this scenario, there is a good possibility that the child will be in the home for a long period either of time or maybe throughout the course of the whole marriage. In addition, what if the adult child or children are dysfunctional, have issues that are weighing heavily on the biological parent? Well, as my grandmother would tell you, “You marry the person, you are marrying the children.” Although this may sound challenging, it could be argued that the right stepparent could be the catalyst for change if he or she has the skills needed to help the child.

A note on only children: this may be the section of this writing that gets the most pushback. Let me start by stating that only children are an interesting breed. When a man or woman enters into a relationship where there is an only child, he or she must understand that until you came along, the child was the prince or princess of the house. I will guess that the issues are greater when it is a male only child because the new man in the home represents the fact, that the child is no longer the “perceived” head of the home. Be prepared for jealousy, development of new bad behaviors, where the child has been enabled by the biological parent an inability to understand that he or she no longer has the last word on what takes place in the home is almost a certainty. To be honest, where one or both of the biological parents have resources, the issues can be further compounded. Be prepared for the child seeking to sit in on adult conversations because until you came along, there was many a night that the parent had no one to talk adult things to but the only child. Other issues include a sense of entitlement because the child has little or no accountability. When the new parent enters this environment, he or she must make it clear (in a nice way) that things are going to change, this is especially true when the new occupant of the home comes to the relationship with his or her own children. If the parent required his or her children be respectful, obedient, and required them to share, the only child that never had to do these things has the potential of causing conflict with the parents and the new sibling, and this issue is further compounded when the only child has most of the time with their stepparent's father or mother.

Now for the good news…For the parent entering an only child relationship who does not have children of his or her own, the only child represents a wonderful opportunity to be a parent. What I have found, is because the only child gets so much of the biological parent(s) attention, they know more, are articulate in communicating their needs, do well in school, understands the world around them, and is very aware of the biological parent’s needs. Although it may sound as if I am talking out of both sides of my mouth, only children seem to have that same keen sense that dogs have. They often can sniff out a phony, someone who has the potential of being abusive, and at a personal level, these kids know if the new person likes or dislikes the child. Please keep in mind, the biological parent will also be experiencing guilt first, because the other biological parent is no longer part of the family and second, because the new partner represents the fact that now he or she has to share the time once exclusive to the child. Furthermore, only children grow, develop, and mature and there are many instances that the child is happy to have a new parent, this is especially true when the biological parent is not part of the child’s life. I will also state, that when the only child is a teen and this is the case, the new parent can serve a critical role in supporting the child in a way that the biological parent cannot. I have seen a number of these cases where the stepparent becomes a friend and confidant and is privy to things going on in the child’s life that the biological parent is not. From my perspective, this is the utopia of a marriage where there is an only child. Finally, it is important that you wrap your head around another reality that finds that the only child relationship is is so unique, and the relationship between the biological parent and the child so deep and complex, that the new parent will never have control over the child and/or home. Who the child is, and the way in which the biological parent has nurtured the child is quickly known shortly into the relationship. Therefore, it is no secret that the parent will always protect and cover for the child. One could even say that in the parent’s mind, the only child can do no wrong. It is at this moment that the partner has to make what could be a relationship altering decision if he or she can live in an environment where there is no say in the child's actions or behavior and furthermore, that this absence of this power may lead to a number of instances of conflict.

Marrying into an already made family or bringing one’s children into a new family environment is not easy. We must remember that uniting a family, even a family of three has its challenges, but I am here to say there are many rewards as well. As stated, when you marry a person you are also marrying the children, even when the children are already grown. Furthermore, there is also a reality that establishes that children are their own person meaning, that they have personalities that have developed that has not  been taught or nurtured. In sum, as the new parent, be patient, understanding, enjoy these young people, and commit to maximizing communication between both your partner and your new children. Will it be challenging at times? Of course, could it the most amazing experience of your life? …WITHOUT A DOUBT!

Until next time - be well. Questions, comments, concerns? Email me at Info@TodayWeWed.com and visit us on the web at WWW.TodayWeWed.com